Update No. 3

I tried to write a song today.  It was depressing and emo. I was venting.  Ironically, it was about how I force things on myself, put myself in this jail cell, and never dare to stop into the sunshine.  All the while I was trying to be someone I’m not.  I try so hard all the time to be what I think I WANT to be. 

After I wrote some lyrics, I got online to chat with my guitar-playing friend. I hoped he’d help me write a tune sometime.  He kept saying how I should go to the piano guy up the street and get him to help me write some pop, girly tune. I thought he was being sarcastic at first because he’s into punk and old rock type stuff, definitely not “pop, girly stuff”.  I wanted my song to seem kind of deep, agonizing and almost creepy anyway, not happy girly pop. He did have an idea for the tune, which sounded great, but he said I didn’t have the vocals for it.  That kind of made me mad.

He told me this: 

“You’re a sheep in wolves’ clothing.  Why not try being just a sheep?”

He was very right… I force a lot on myself and try to be “a wolf” I guess.  I try to fit in with something. Sometimes the only reason I cut myself is because I think it will somehow give me an identity or help me fit in.; yet it never does.  I SHOULD try “just being a sheep.”  I want to. If only I knew how.

This was my facebook status:

once I was just a girl,

now I'm coats of paint.

I try far to hard,

to be what I just aint. 

How does one discover,

what once was underneath,

without a bush to scrub it free

and nothing new, then to be.

….  I didn’t run today.  Instead I walked.  I was in and out of tears as I walked. I guess finding out that I am no one got me upset.  I have no idea how to take off all of the paint on me – the things I have tried to be. I want to find who I am underneath. 

 I walked past the little kids playground – the place I have almost attempted suicide 3 different times.  It have me the chills, so I hurried on. I finally, out loud, told Satan to stop tempting me and told him to ge out in Jesus name.  That’s something someone told me I should do – use my authority in Christ, because He gives me His power over demons.  I asked God for truth, because I feel like I have none. 

I walked to the field where I run, and sat down to watch the sun set.  I cried until it got dark and then walked back down to my house.  I didn’t want to go inside. I hate my house sometimes, so I sat on the side walk and vented to some frogs that didn’t care.  Then I finally went in. It seemed like puke to me because of all the Doritos my brothers have eaten today. It’s full of mean shouts from one brother to the other, full of clutter and full of darkness because all anyone ever does is stare at a screen in the dark.

All I ever do is regret, wish I had a life, wish I’d stop eating, wish I’d start bleeding, wish I had a reason not to live so that I could die and not worry about all my work.  I feel like a failure. I have 9 math lessons still (at least 2 minutes a problem, 15 problems per lesson) to finish before Monday.   And… *sigh*  I must live on. God wants me to. My friends love me. My family loves me, they just don’t know how to show it.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. Be “just a sheep,” I guess. Take off all the paint I’ve put on myself and try to find who I am underneath, I guess.  Find who God wants me to be, and what He wants me to do. 

But I have no idea how.  

Sorry for this rant.  I'm not really like this ALL the time. I do have some hope.. but this is kind of how I have been feeling on and off all week if not longer.