Saturday, 13 August 2016

A Thread

Here's how it feels:

I used to be great.
Life used to be great.
Life used to have a very hopeful undertone.
I'm no longer great.
Life is no longer great.
My hope has turned to doubt.
So why is it "worth it"?
And what am I holding on for?
It makes sense to die.
Why doesn't everybody want to just die?
I'm full of shame.
Full of fear.
Full of regret and anger.
Resentment.
I resent life and living.
It seems time to die.
But a thread is keeping me from hanging myself.
What is that thread?
I want it to become a platform to stand on,
or I want to cut it and sever the grasp it has on me so I can feel only certainty,
certainty that it is time to die.
I want to be done.
I don't like this.
I want to kill myself.

But that thread is worth looking into.
It will become a platform.
The thread hasn't let go.
I'm being held up.
kept afloat.

Girl, go search after what that thread is.
Girl, this is the meaning of life.
Girl, you won't regret this.
Find that one thread.
Make it your life.
Because nothing else is worth living for.

And it is much much more than just a thread.
It is the tallest mountain, the deepest ocean
The biggest hug, the softest heart
It is a platform on which to stand.
And much more than that, too....

Go find out for yourself.
Seek this one thing that is keeping you going.

What else do you have to loose, right?

Friday, 12 August 2016

Things Are So Different

Here I am now, (Hi!), as an 18 year old on my 15-year-old-self's blog. It's interesting and kind of funny to me, but I'm not sure why.

But, you know, I was just writing about how my entire life feels surreal and how things aren't the same. How things used to be kind of ok. And when things were not ok, I still had hope, lit as a flame in my soul, and so I knew that things would get better and that things would be ok. Today, that flame is small. Barely kept alive by a few glowing coals.

That's why it's funny to me, to be here, on this blog again. Things are so different. I am so different...

 I'm always changing and growing, but at a certain point, probably sophomore year when I attempted suicide for the first time, the changing and growing became a strange battle. From that point on, it's been me, (wherever the real me is), fighting this body and this mind and this spirit--   Fighting to hold onto what's left of the me I thought I was and the world I thought I had.

But why can't I just accept who I am today instead of longing for the past? I feel that I shouldn't. Who I am today is full of doubt, shame, fear, feelings of hopelessness and helplessness, constant anger deep within, and restlessness for meaning. And that's good... I need God. I need Jesus and His sacrifice to mean something. He is the only one who can fill this huge void.

Yet, as I said, doubt. I crawl instead of running in this foot-race. What I mean is, I sleep all day, I go on the computer, I listen to my favorite bands, I do what I need to do, but at the end of the day I am empty and wanting, waiting and drudging, but prepared only to drag and crawl slowly through the next day, never making attempts to accept the one who will carry me and run for me. He'd make everything worth it. I know that.

 So why don't I know that?


Wednesday, 11 December 2013

Synopsis: I'm starting to do a lot better

Wow I forgot about this blog!
  Hello, blog. You're still here I see.

The days when I wrote on this blog SUCKED! That was just the weirdest and most empty time.

Since then, I have moved continents, atmospheres, climates and LIVES.  My life here has been nothing like I am used to, and nothing like I was expecting.

When I first got here, I.... was depressed. did I stop cutting? I can't remember. I don't thinks so. not completely. Anyways, I was depressed, suicidal and really food conscious; it ate me apart!  I was really scared to eat anything. Food disgusted me. That whole ordeal made my life kind of miserable.

Once life kind of became set and school started, we were able to actually live in our house and begin to settle in.  I hated my room and I felt like a lie! I felt like I was pretending and acting and not being real or even really living. The truth is, I was acting. I couldn't tell my new "friends" that I was depressed and cutting myself and not eating!  "oh come on, you could have!" you might say.  Well, no. I could tell that these particular individuals would be mind blown and shocked if I told them. They would have never of looked at me the same way. they may have just ditched me. (which wouldn't really have been that bad to be honest. I just didn't want things to be awkward or for word to get around school. I wanted to start over.)

I wanted to start over....

I have learned now, that in a certain sense, there is no starting over. Anything I have done, and this is true for everyone, all the mistakes and accomplishments and all my experiences, will always stay with me. they will never be erased or undone; What is done is done.   In that case, I can never "escape" my past or myself, but instead it will always be a part of me.  The other thing I have learned, however, too, is that This doesn't have to be a bad and torturous thing.  Through my Lord and Savior, Christ Jesus, I can be free. It is for freedom that he has made us free by forgiving our sins, (we who are His children). I can always ask Him for forgiveness and He is faithful and Just to forgive me of my sins.  The Bible says that He has removed my transgressions (or sins) from me as far as the East is from the West, (which is pretty dang far).  The picture is not that those things I have done are erased or forgotten, but are forgiven and taken elsewhere to where they will never be unearthed again. I can't escape what I have done and how it has effected me, but I can escape the guilt, shame and weight of it. Jesus took my guilt on the cross, putting my sins upon Himself to pay for them. He took my shame. And God carries the weight of who I am - the worries of my life - because that is not my business. If I repent, surrender and submit to Him and ask Him to take these things, He will.
And suddenly life becomes much easier.



This new realization of hope has brought ease from pain, worry, guilt, shame, hurt, agony, depression, and low self worth.  It has brought me Joy in Jesus Christ a little, little bit more each day.  It is a process. It's not just a magic pill that fixes everything right away; it is more real than that, and it lasts for a lifetime and for eternity!


Friday, 31 May 2013

I'm Still Addicted to The Internet

I can’t stop being addicted to the internet. I always just get on because, who knows really. But the thing I Can do, instead of trying to NEVEER get on, is just to go ahead and get on, but to go to a better site.  Usually I get on and look at Thinsperation pictures and feel sorry for myself, or I’m on Facebook watching everyone’s lives, and I really don’t care.  It’s all just such time wasting. 

Instead of those things, I can go on Crosswalk.com and read a devotional, or on Fervr.net and surf around.  It’s still fun to me – it’s still internet -  but it’s more substantial.

There read THIS, I'm going to. 

Wednesday, 29 May 2013

found a hurt

Counselling today was really great.  I feel like a burdan is lifted.  As  you may know, the last couple weeks have been just down hill for me. I relapsed on everything!  I stopped eating, I started cutting with REALLY sharp kitchen knives, banging my head, hitting, biting, scratching, depriving myself of sleep - and liek I said, I even started messing around with pills.  I thought a lot about death and about suicide. I played sinareos in my head of my attemted suicides with ropes, pills and knives...  I really wanted to die.
Last night everything changed.  I was still suffering from the anxiety and frustration that had been haunting me for those two weeks, but sudenly, for the first time that I can remember, I was a little afraid to die.  Then today, in Bible class, we watched part of Soul Surfer, a movie about a really brave girl.  I've seen it before, but every time I see it I am inspired to live and do more and have a passion.  I just felt liek God wanted me to live, but I just couldn't take life and I didn't knwo what to do.
At counselling I explained everything to my counselor. I hadn't seen her in a couple weeks becuase I just wasn't ready to talk before. I was kind of in deniel. We started talkign about how I put so much pressure on myself or feel so much pressure.  We prayed and asked God to show us some passed hurts or traumas that I still need to let go, becuase hurts and sins block my relationship with God, and I have just been franticly and desperatly trying to handle things.
It was reveiled to me that a place that stems a lot of hurts is when I was homeschooled.  My mom just kind of left me to do everythign myself, and wasn't really a proper mother to me.  I had to learn to handle really everything myself.  She was never really there for me to hold my hand through things.  Then when we moved and she started workign full time, it got worse.  I was responsible for everythign in my life basicaly.  There was so much pressure and I was so alone.  Finally I just couldn't take it anymore. I felt liek I wasn't good enough becuase as such a young girl I just couldn't handle it all alone - I wanst suposed to be able to, but my parents left it to me.  I broke and just hated myself and started rebelling.  Ever since then I have been in denial, tryign to be good enough, trying to forget and be enough on my own.  I think I might have some trust issues.  I've just been made to be so independant.
It was good to realize all those things, and more, and just feel teh pain and then let it go and forgive my mom and let myself feel the feelings.
I feel a little better, but things are still hard.   I don't want to die anymore though. At least not as much.

Tuesday, 28 May 2013

Pills

So, I've been home sick and I got some medicine. I don't know what it's suposed to do exactly, but I was only suposed to take half a pill.
I took half yesterday. i think it's suposed to help with dizziness.  I actually am not that dizzy anymore.  I just can't take life, so I'm staying at home.
I just took 3 and 1/2 pills and now I feel kind of weird.  I think I'm just paranoid, btu I kind of hope it makes me sicker. >:) I always wanted to experiment with self medicating, btu you know, that's a bad idea. 3 and a half was all I could manage.

Thursday, 2 May 2013

A Month Later

It's been a month without my knife.  It's been ok.  Everyday I want to cut myself though.  There were a couple days maybe where I didn't want to hurt myself once, but mostly I want to everyday at least once.  It's really hard not to. I just want to drown everything out because I can't handle it, but I guess I'm surviving so... it's okayy... but it hurts and it's hard. I feel so alone still and always.

Thursday, 25 April 2013

How to deal with regret (and maybe other emotion)

{A while back I asked my wise friend a question, but she didn;t respond rigth away becuase she wanted to give me a good answer. I think her answer was really good and I think it might help you too!}

Question:
What should one do when they have a bucket full of regrets?

Answer:
Step 1: embrace them. 
Here the thing. We are teenagers and we are goning to do a lot of stupid stuff. Stuff that we wished we had not done, but that stuff is what is used as our teachers in life. We can't change the past. So there is no point in sitting around and dwelling on it. All we can do is learn from it and grow as a person. We have no control over the future either, so don't go thinking about the next time and this and that, because sometimes when the next time comes along we will make a decision that will just be another regret. What you do have control over is the present. So enjoy it.
 Apologize when you have done something wrong (that can be hard too because the person may not always forgive us, but as long as you are sincere with your apology, then you have done all you can do, and maybe if they don't forgive you, its time to move on from that relationship). Forgive when you have been wronged (this is even harder, because it is easier to hang on to things when you have been wronged. But in the end it is better for you to forgive, let it go, grow from the experience, and move on with your life). {and forgive yourself!} Pray to God and ask him for strength to give you strength to embrace your regrets and ask for strength to apologize as well as forgive.


Step 2: Express Yourself
The first step is the hardest step and the longest step but as you start to do that. Find time to express yourself in what ever you do. Don't mop around all depressed and doing nothing. Channel those emotions into your art, or into music or learning a new thing. Personally, I go for walks and write. I find that writing helps a lot. Maybe it will work for you. I don't know. But find something you love and express your emotions though it.

Step 3: Love
When its all said and done. We live in a nasty to world and it is sometimes really, really painful. When we have regret, the easiest theing we can do as humans is to shun everyone out. Yet that is not the best thing for us. Instead chose the harder choice. Choose to keep loving and keep living. Love with all you got. Love life! Love your family! Love your friends (even if they are hard too)!! Love God (he will never EVER let you down)!!! Love nature.

Step 4: LIVE
IN a few weeks your entire life is going to change. You are going to be moving back to the states and back into the American culture. There is going to be a lot of benefits to this and a lot of downsides. They are going to be a lot of times where you wish you could go back. There also going to be a lot of times you will love living in the states again. Take one day at a time. With a lot of patience. Yet don't forget to enjoy yourself. You are only your age once. So enjoy it. Live!!! Be free!!!! Don't worry too much!! There is so much to look forward to!! It gets better, that I can 100% guarantee you!!



I hope you have found this helpful. 
 I hope you are happy because you deserve it.

Monday, 22 April 2013

Take Time To...

Take Time For 12 Things:
1. Take time to WORK – it is the price of success.
2. Take time to THINK – it is the source of power.
3. Take time to PLAY – it is the secret of youth.
4. Take time to READ – it is the foundation of knowledge.
5. Take time to WORSHIP – it is the highway of reverence and washes the dust of earth from our eyes.
6. Take time to HELP AND ENJOY FRIENDS – it is the source of happiness.
7. Take time to LOVE AND SHARE – it is the one sacrament of live.
8. Take time to DREAM – it hitches the soul to the stars.
9. Take time to LAUGH – it is the singing that helps life’s loads.
10. Take time for BEAUTY – it is everywhere in nature.
11. Take time for HEALTH – it is the true wealth and treasure of life.
12. Take time to PLAN – it is the secret of being able to have time for the first 11 things.

Sunday, 21 April 2013

Crying Black Tears


{sorry about the spelling. I don't feel like fixing it.}

Life has been ok lately. I haven't had my knife, and I'm glad becuase I would have cut myseklf if I could have. I never know what to do with myself. I am used to numbing my pain and when it is raw right there, I don't knwo how to feel it.

I've come to realize that my life has been really full of pain, esspecially the last three years.  I'm glad I can go to counselling because sometimes I feel like no one lets me feel.  I feel like they downplay the real pain I feel and the really hard things I have gone through.

I said good bye to yet another friend last night. She was bascilly my best friend, or second best if nothing else. I will never see her again; I'm just accepting that.  She is from Newzealand so it's not like we'll run into eachother in America. After I said good bye I walked up to this BBQ that was happening at the feild. There was no food left so I just went and sat alone in the dark at the back. I let myself cry for an hour. It was so good to cry because I felt liek a real girl - a real human with real problems.  It made me kind of happy. After cryign at the feild for so long I felt kind of weak and my face must have been covered in mascara.  All I wanted was a hug and I was goign to text soemome and tell them to come give me a hug, btu I didn't. I thought it might be weird. I just walked home, sheilding my face and staying in teh shaddows becasue when I got home I confermed how ugly my face looked with al those black tears running all over teh place.

I'm glad I can feel.  Lifes just a little hard right now. There is so much going on... So many hurts from the past, from home, from school, with friends, even from the future...
I'll get through.  God never leaves me and I am learning to knwo the truth.

Friday, 19 April 2013

Excerpt From The Bondage Breaker

[The Bondage Breaker by Neil T Anderson Dave Park is a book that has helped me so much and opened up the Bible for me and helped me to see God, me and life for what it really is.  I am still learning, but I have learned a lot already and I highly suggest you get and read this book. This excerpt I am sharing with you is not from the exact version I am reading. Mine is The youth edition (which is what you should get)  but this is from the normal version because it's what I could find. It's generally the same. ]
{3 Sections from chapter 7}

Running the Gauntlet of Evil 

How do these evil spirits interfere with our lives? Let me answer with a simple illustration. Imagine that you are standing at one end of a long, narrow street lined on both sides with two-story row houses. At the other end of the street stands Jesus Christ, and your Christian life is the process of walking down that long street of maturity in Him. There is absolutely nothing in the street which can keep you from reaching Jesus. So, when you receive Christ, you fix your eyes on Him and start walking.

 But since this world is still under the dominion of Satan, the row houses on either side of you are inhabited by beings who are committed to keeping you from reaching your goal. They have no power or authority to block your path or even slow your step, so they hang out of the windows and call to you, hoping to turn your attention away from your goal and disrupt your progress.

 One of the ways they will try to distract you is by calling out, "Hey, look over here! I've got something you really want. It tastes good, feels good, and is a lot more fun than your boring walk down the street. Come on in and take a look." That's temptation, suggesting to your mind ways to serve yourself instead of God. We will discuss temptation in greater detail in Chapter 8.

 As you continue your walk toward Christ you will also have thoughts like "I'm stupid. I'm ugly. I'll never amount to anything for God." Satan's emissaries are masters at accusation, especially after they have distracted you through temptation. One minute they're saying, "Try this; there's nothing wrong with it." Then, when you yield, they're right there taunting, "See what you did! How can you call yourself a Christian when you behave like that?" Accusation is one of Satan's primary weapons in his attempt to distract you from your goal. We will consider his ploy of accusation more fully in Chapter 9.

 Other remarks which are hurled at you as you walk down the street sound like this: "You don't need to go to church today. It's not important to pray and read the Bible every day. Some of the New Age stuff isn't so bad." That's deception, and it is Satan's most subtle and debilitating weapon. You will often hear these messages in first-person singular: "I don't need to go to church today, pray, read my Bible," etc. Satan knows you will be more easily deceived if he can make you think the thought was yours instead of his. Satan's strategy of deception will be more fully explored in Chapter 10.

What is the enemy's goal in having his demons jeer you, taunt you, lure you, and question you from the windows and doorways along your path? He wants you to slow down, stop, sit down, and if possible, give up your journey toward Christ. He wants to influence you to doubt your ability to believe and serve God. Remember: He has absolutely no power or authority to keep you from steadily progressing in your walk toward Christ. And he can never again own you, because you have been redeemed by Jesus Christ and you are forever in Him (1 Peter 1:18,19). But if he can get you to listen to the thoughts he plants in your mind, he can influence you. And if you allow him to influence you long enough through temptation, accusation, and deception, he can control you. We'll talk more about the extent of demonic control in a Christian's life in Chapter 11.




Levels of Bondage

 There are several levels of spiritual freedom and bondage between the apostle Paul, whose Christian life and ministry were exemplary despite his battle with sin and Satan (Romans 7:15-25; 2 Corinthians 12:7-9), and the Gadarene demoniac, who was totally controlled by demons (Matthew 8:28-34). Nobody loses control to Satan overnight; it's a gradual process of deception and yielding to his subtle influence. It is my observation that no more than 15 percent of the evangelical Christian community is completely free of Satan's bondage. These are the people who are consistently living a Spirit-filled life and bearing fruit. The other 85 percent are struggling along fruitlessly at one of at least three levels of spiritual conflict.

First, a believer may lead a fairly normal Christian life on the outside while wrestling with a steady barrage of sinful thoughts on the inside: lust, envy, greed, hatred, apathy, etc. This person has virtually no devotional life. Prayer is a frustrating experience for him, and he usually struggles with interpersonal relationships. Most Christians in this condition have no idea that they are in the middle of a spiritual conflict. They would not identify with the concept of hearing voices, but would readily admit to a problem-filled thought life.

Instead of recognizing that their minds are being peppered by the fiery darts of the enemy, they think the problem is their own fault. "If those foul thoughts are mine, what kind of person am I?" they wonder. So they end up condemning themselves while the enemy continues his attack unchecked. I see about 65 percent of all Christians living at this level of spiritual conflict.


The second level of conflict is characterized by those who c an distinguish between their own thoughts and strange, evil "voices" which seem to overpower them. "What am I thinking?" they wonder with alarm when a barrage of sinful 1(ieas, thoughts, and fantasies floods their minds. They experience no victory and wonder if they are cracking up but they are so frightened by the prospect that they won't share it with anyone. Yet the majority of Christians at this stage still fail to see their struggle as a spiritual conflict. They seek counseling and try to discipline their thoughts, but they experience little or no improvement. I estimate that about 15 percent of all Christians fall into this category. Most of these people are depressed, anxious, paranoid, bitter, or angry, and they may have fallen victim to drinking, drugs, eating disorders, etc.

At the third level of conflict, the individual has lost control and hears voices inside his mind which tell him what to think, say, and do. These people stay at home, wander the streets talking to imaginary people, or occupy beds in mental institutions or rehab units. Sadly, about 5 percent of the Christian community falls victim to this level of deception and control

When an individual gives in to the inner voices long enough, he is subject to severe oppression by demonic powers, as exemplified in the Gadarene demoniac. The evil spirits exert such control that the individual's personality can be largely bypassed for long periods of time.




Just Say No

 There are three ways of responding to the demonic taunts and barbs being thrown at you from those second-story windows during your daily walk with Christ, and two of these ways are wrong.

First, the most defeated people are those who consider demonic thoughts and believe them. A subtle thought is shot into your mind: "You don't pray, read your Bible, or witness like you should. How could God love you?" That's a bald-faced lie, because God's love is unconditional. But you start thinking about your failures and agreeing that you're probably not very lovable to God. Pretty soon you're sitting in the middle of the street going nowhere.

These Christians are totally defeated simply because they have been duped into believing that God doesn't love them, or that they will never be a victorious Christian, or that they are a helpless victim of the past. There is no reason why they can't get up immediately and start walking again, but they have believed a lie and they can't go anywhere.

The second response is just as unproductive. You try to argue with the demons: "I am not ugly or stupid. I am a victorious Christian." You're proud that you don't believe what they say, but they're still controlling you and setting your agenda. You're standing in the middle of the street shouting at them when you should be marching forward.

We are not to believe evil spirits, nor are we to dialogue with them. Instead, we are to ignore them. You're equipped with the armor of God; they can't touch you unless you drop your guard. With every arrow of temptation, accusation, or deception they shoot at you, simply raise the shield of faith, deflect the attack, and walk on (Colossians 2:6). Take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ. Choose truth in the face of every lie. As you do, you will find your maturity and freedom increasing with every step.

Sunday, 14 April 2013

Good Bye Knife

I went to counselling yesterday and cried a lot.  It was god though. My counselor said I should get rid of my knife, but I didn't know if I was ready.  She said it's like telling an alcoholic to keep drinking until he is ready to give it up complacently.  It doesn't work like that. It's an addiction.  You gotta get it out of your house.

Yesterday, for the first time ever, I felt ok with the idea of never cutting again. Maybe it's because I went everywhere I wanted to go and found nothing there that I thought would be.  In the past I haven't wanted to give up cutting because there were so many possibilities that had never come to pass.  For instance, I  had never gotten to see a wide gash or know what it felt like. I had never cut my stomach or thigh or anything else I had read about on the internet. Blood had never ran down my arms like I thought would be cool... And so on...  Now all those things have happened  and they weren't great at all.  But now that it's all said and done, I know that, and I know enough is enough.  I'm ready to quit.

My counselor also told me that as we discover and analyze what has made me cut and all of the pain I have buried, I will probably feel depressed and it will be hard, but sometimes it has to get worse before it gets better.  There will probably be times that I'll want to feel numb ( that's what I'm used to doing. I don't know how to cope with anything. I am used to numbing myself to the real problems and creating new ones that I feel capable of worrying about or dealing with.)   but I don't have to fee numb. I can cope in other ways, I just don't know them yet. And if I really do need pain, I can squeeze an ice cube. It hurts like hell.  Before, holding an ice cube was weak to me. I wanted to be emo, I was forcing myself. Seeing the cuts to prove I actually did it was what I wanted.  I wanted it to seem brutal.  I don't need that anymore.  Now if I still feel like I need marks on my body, I draw on myself with sharpie.  Last night I drew an anchor on my wrist representing how God holds me in place and is my security. I also drew a chain going around my wrist and breaking in the middle with a cross in the background representing how Jesus is my Bondage Breaker.

I gave my knife to my mom this afternoon.  We didn't really exchange any conversation, it was just what it was.  In a lot of ways I am glad to be rid of it.

Here we go on another adventure.

Thursday, 11 April 2013

Gotta "try really hard"

Ever since I came to the conclusion that I don't have to be emo, things have been a little better in ways.  I am not naturally a very angry person. but this past year with everything that's gone on, I have been known to get pretty angry.

I haven't had as much of the urge to cut myself, but a couple times I have hit myself pretty hard.  Monday and Tuesday were not good... They were pretty suicidal, depressing days.  One of those day when you are utterly convinced that there is no hope and that things will NEVER change.  Thank God things actually do change...

I learned a lot today. I was inspired to start a ministry of my own, which I will talk more about later. I also realized that life is very short. I gotta "try really hard."  We were talking about how Jesus's ministry was short, and what did He do in the light of this fact? He "tried really hard."  Same with Satan. He knows's he is defeated and only has a limited time to roam the earth and deceive. What does he do in the knowledge of this short time? He tries to make the most of the short time - get as much done as possible - "try really hard."  That's what I should be doing too.

I am working on my song with my guitar fried. It's not going amazingly well. but you know what, it doesn't have to.  I have bee sitting round worrying SO much about the future.  I had given up. I figured that I don't have what it takes.  It's really hard when you get to that point. You feel like NOTHING but a failure  You feel there is no hope, no return and no future, and that it is all your stupid fault.  And what make sit worse, you know that the people around you either love you, which prevents you from suicide, or they don't like you, they think you are annoying since you are "always sad."
I have often wondered if one goes through some serious spiritual torment following suicide, right before they go to heaven (if they are indeed heaven bound).  Somehow one must surly pay for their last sin, right?  Or are they completely forgiven of it?
Whatever.. I hope I don't find out from experience.

I am going to counselling tomorrow which I hope is good for me. I am in a hard place right now. I so easily feel as if everything is my fault and that I am not good enough. It is really really hard to resist the Devil sometimes.  He is sneaky  He puts even shame into my mind as an option and I don't realize it as a trap so I fall into it and begin a long day of deep sadness and loneliness. I am getting slowly better at resisting him, and a little bit better at letting God in.  Sometimes I just CRAVE His word, but I run short on time and it is always difficult to pick up, but I must keep fighting.

Monday, 8 April 2013

Maybe I'm Just Stubborn. -_-


ugh...
I hate it when people I know worry about me. All of this seems pretty normal to me I guess. I don't know what else to do. I am afraid to live another life. I am afraid to be healthy. I guess I don't know who I'd be if I couldn't cut. I'd be no one. I'd be without a label, without an identity. I feel like I'd be practically worthless if I didn't get up real fast and learn to do something. There are so many other reasons that it's hard to stop cutting though, or to get out of this life. I'm used to hiding. . .   Used to striving for a tragic ending. I don't know why.

I feel bad for Jay (my brother) though. He keeps telling me I need to go back to counselling because he is concerned and doesn't know how to help on his own.  He told me, "I don't know why you cut yourself... I don't want you to."  For some reason that made me feel so sorry for him. I have a problem with making  myself feel responsible for EVERYTHING, and putting the weight of the world on my shoulders. I felt responsible for Jay feeling sad, and I feel like it's my responsibility to restore order, but I really never can.

I wish I had never told ANYONE about my problems, so that if I wanted to, I could be the only one to know.  But no, no matter how many times I move, or change, it will always be known, by everyone. I'll always have it on my record that I've failed ta life.  This makes me feel a lot of things... anger, regret, worry, remorse, shame, sadness, pity...  I know I have a pride problem- pride in hating myself - but that doesn't really sop anything.

First Day Back

School started today after bring on Easter Break for two weeks. I spent the whole day alone.  I brought an apple for lunch, sat alone behind a wall, and didn't eat it.  I've felt pretty self conscious today because of something my brother Jay said last night.  We got to talking, and he said how he has to defend me a lot when he talks to people because they say things that attack me, and "I don't have any other friends to stand up for me," he said.  I guess it's true. I have one girl friend who I can kind of talk to because she used to be a cutter too, but we don't talk much.  Other than that, I have a friend who lives across the world from me, and Jay. All day I've been wondering who it is that says bad things about me, and who it is that doesn't like me for some reason. . .



It really isn't a bad life being alone.  It doesn't accomplish anything in my case maybe, but, I mean, it's really the only life I know anymore. I know a life of "anorexia," "self harm," "bulimia,"  and whatever, but I have NEVER considered myself to actually be "a cutter," or any of those other things. I feel like I don't cut deep enough to be "a cutter," and I eat a little too much to be "anorexic."


Saturday, 6 April 2013

Learning and Moving On

My dear friends,
Some things happen slowly, over long periods of time. Some things are long processes.  However, other things come quicker than expected, and happen overnight. Either way, God's timing is more than eloquently adequate. I learn that again and again the longer I live. 

I am in a long process. I don't know what to call it. "The process of (fill in the black)" "The journey in/out (fill in blank)."  Regardless, here I am.  It seems as though it would take forever. and in a way it does.  Sometimes it may look as if I'm going nowhere - not moving up, or even that I am moving more down. I don't think that is true. I don't think it CAN be true at this point. To go deliberately down now would be, for one, REALLY stupid. It would be spiritual suicide, if not also physical!  I am moving at an up and down, slow assention.  
OK, this is really bad, haha, but kind of like this:

Nothing I talked about doing the other day was anywhere NEAR capable of hitting a vein.  I usually don't cut very deep. Or at least... I don't really know.  What I do know, is that last night I was being stupid. I wanted to cut again, btu I wasnt as angry as I had been the night before, so i couldn't really do anything too drastic.  By accident though, I opened a pretty big gash on my thigh. It honestly scared me. Thank God that, somehow, it doesn't hurt.  

What I have learned from that is, I'm not a "cutter."  To tell you the truth I NEVER considered myself a cutter. I always wanted to, but never did.  Now, I don't even want to anymore.  I bascily learned that it's little more than poitless now.  Maybe it used to do soemthing for me, but now I have to go pretty extreem to get that result and I don't want to go there.  As my guitar friend told me, I'm not an emo. I'm not some tough person. I'm not a rebel. I'm not a wolf, no matter what I wear. I am a sheep. I think I am even starting to learn what that means.  

I'm just a girl.  I honestly don't liek wearing black, that's just soething I forced on myself. I honestly just wish to be a nice person, I am done with this anger. I honestly just love God, and others, and colorful things, and Easter time, and stuffed teddies, and singing, the piano, the fresh air in the morning, the sunshine, and being me - whoever that is.  

Thank you alol for your concern. I wasnt tryign to earn your respect or aproval. To tell you the truth, I was trying to earn my own. I realize now I can't do that the way I was trying to. I realize I am beautiful, as the rest of you are. I realize God made me the way He did, however that is, and that's who I need to be. 


Ecclesiastes 3:11

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.

Ezekiel 18:31 

Cast away from you all the transgressions that you have committed, and make yourselves a new heart and a new spirit! Why will you die, O house of Israel?


Jeremiah 17:9 

The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?















Update No. 3


I tried to write a song today.  It was depressing and emo. I was venting.  Ironically, it was about how I force things on myself, put myself in this jail cell, and never dare to stop into the sunshine.  All the while I was trying to be someone I’m not.  I try so hard all the time to be what I think I WANT to be. 

After I wrote some lyrics, I got online to chat with my guitar-playing friend. I hoped he’d help me write a tune sometime.  He kept saying how I should go to the piano guy up the street and get him to help me write some pop, girly tune. I thought he was being sarcastic at first because he’s into punk and old rock type stuff, definitely not “pop, girly stuff”.  I wanted my song to seem kind of deep, agonizing and almost creepy anyway, not happy girly pop. He did have an idea for the tune, which sounded great, but he said I didn’t have the vocals for it.  That kind of made me mad.

He told me this: 
“You’re a sheep in wolves’ clothing.  Why not try being just a sheep?”

He was very right… I force a lot on myself and try to be “a wolf” I guess.  I try to fit in with something. Sometimes the only reason I cut myself is because I think it will somehow give me an identity or help me fit in.; yet it never does.  I SHOULD try “just being a sheep.”  I want to. If only I knew how.

This was my facebook status:

once I was just a girl,
now I'm coats of paint.
I try far to hard,
to be what I just aint. 
How does one discover,
what once was underneath,
without a bush to scrub it free
and nothing new, then to be.


….  I didn’t run today.  Instead I walked.  I was in and out of tears as I walked. I guess finding out that I am no one got me upset.  I have no idea how to take off all of the paint on me – the things I have tried to be. I want to find who I am underneath. 

 I walked past the little kids playground – the place I have almost attempted suicide 3 different times.  It have me the chills, so I hurried on. I finally, out loud, told Satan to stop tempting me and told him to ge out in Jesus name.  That’s something someone told me I should do – use my authority in Christ, because He gives me His power over demons.  I asked God for truth, because I feel like I have none. 

I walked to the field where I run, and sat down to watch the sun set.  I cried until it got dark and then walked back down to my house.  I didn’t want to go inside. I hate my house sometimes, so I sat on the side walk and vented to some frogs that didn’t care.  Then I finally went in. It seemed like puke to me because of all the Doritos my brothers have eaten today. It’s full of mean shouts from one brother to the other, full of clutter and full of darkness because all anyone ever does is stare at a screen in the dark.

All I ever do is regret, wish I had a life, wish I’d stop eating, wish I’d start bleeding, wish I had a reason not to live so that I could die and not worry about all my work.  I feel like a failure. I have 9 math lessons still (at least 2 minutes a problem, 15 problems per lesson) to finish before Monday.   And… *sigh*  I must live on. God wants me to. My friends love me. My family loves me, they just don’t know how to show it.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. Be “just a sheep,” I guess. Take off all the paint I’ve put on myself and try to find who I am underneath, I guess.  Find who God wants me to be, and what He wants me to do. 
But I have no idea how.  

Sorry for this rant.  I'm not really like this ALL the time. I do have some hope.. but this is kind of how I have been feeling on and off all week if not longer. 

I AM Sorry For This...


I know you’ll be really disappointed in me, but I cut last night. A lot.
I would add pictures but I know it can be triggering, and besides, it’s probably quite morbid of me to want to. . . 

I set boundaries on what I did to my wrist.  My bracelet hides it completely. Sometimes I kind of want people to see, but maybe it’s just better if they don’t. If none of us do.  

I did all I could within my boundaries. Eventually my arm started shaking and I couldn’t bare it anymore, so I stopped. If you’ve been there, you know how good the sting felt – not wanting even to move my arm - Just lying there, motionless, thoughtless.  For a few minutes you feel you have escaped.  As soon as I shut my eyes though, really disturbing, scary images flashed across my vision and freaked me out.  I knew I had to pray or it would get worse all night, so I did. I felt so ashamed talking to God after what I’d just done. . .   But He is faithful to rescue me and give me peace  when I ask, even right after I sin against Him deliberately. Esh… What a nice God…  This is what always makes me say “I should learn more about this guy.”

I’ve felt really fat lately. I miss how skinny I was in sixth grade when I didn’t really eat.  I woke up today deciding to have an apple as my ONLY food for the day, but I ended up having taco salad and a muffin as well.  -_-   I feel like I can’t get anything right, not even self abuse. But maybe that’s good, because this really isn’t me. *sigh*…. I need to change.