I AM Sorry For This...

I know you’ll be really disappointed in me, but I cut last night. A lot.

I would add pictures but I know it can be triggering, and besides, it’s probably quite morbid of me to want to. . . 

I set boundaries on what I did to my wrist.  My bracelet hides it completely. Sometimes I kind of want people to see, but maybe it’s just better if they don’t. If none of us do.  

I did all I could within my boundaries. Eventually my arm started shaking and I couldn’t bare it anymore, so I stopped. If you’ve been there, you know how good the sting felt – not wanting even to move my arm - Just lying there, motionless, thoughtless.  For a few minutes you feel you have escaped.  As soon as I shut my eyes though, really disturbing, scary images flashed across my vision and freaked me out.  I knew I had to pray or it would get worse all night, so I did. I felt so ashamed talking to God after what I’d just done. . .   But He is faithful to rescue me and give me peace  when I ask, even right after I sin against Him deliberately. Esh… What a nice God…  This is what always makes me say “I should learn more about this guy.”

I’ve felt really fat lately. I miss how skinny I was in sixth grade when I didn’t really eat.  I woke up today deciding to have an apple as my ONLY food for the day, but I ended up having taco salad and a muffin as well.  -_-   I feel like I can’t get anything right, not even self abuse. But maybe that’s good, because this really isn’t me. *sigh*…. I need to change.