Gotta "try really hard"

Ever since I came to the conclusion that I don't have to be emo, things have been a little better in ways.  I am not naturally a very angry person. but this past year with everything that's gone on, I have been known to get pretty angry.

I haven't had as much of the urge to cut myself, but a couple times I have hit myself pretty hard.  Monday and Tuesday were not good... They were pretty suicidal, depressing days.  One of those day when you are utterly convinced that there is no hope and that things will NEVER change.  Thank God things actually do change...

I learned a lot today. I was inspired to start a ministry of my own, which I will talk more about later. I also realized that life is very short. I gotta "try really hard."  We were talking about how Jesus's ministry was short, and what did He do in the light of this fact? He "tried really hard."  Same with Satan. He knows's he is defeated and only has a limited time to roam the earth and deceive. What does he do in the knowledge of this short time? He tries to make the most of the short time - get as much done as possible - "try really hard."  That's what I should be doing too.

I am working on my song with my guitar fried. It's not going amazingly well. but you know what, it doesn't have to.  I have bee sitting round worrying SO much about the future.  I had given up. I figured that I don't have what it takes.  It's really hard when you get to that point. You feel like NOTHING but a failure  You feel there is no hope, no return and no future, and that it is all your stupid fault.  And what make sit worse, you know that the people around you either love you, which prevents you from suicide, or they don't like you, they think you are annoying since you are "always sad."
I have often wondered if one goes through some serious spiritual torment following suicide, right before they go to heaven (if they are indeed heaven bound).  Somehow one must surly pay for their last sin, right?  Or are they completely forgiven of it?
Whatever.. I hope I don't find out from experience.

I am going to counselling tomorrow which I hope is good for me. I am in a hard place right now. I so easily feel as if everything is my fault and that I am not good enough. It is really really hard to resist the Devil sometimes.  He is sneaky  He puts even shame into my mind as an option and I don't realize it as a trap so I fall into it and begin a long day of deep sadness and loneliness. I am getting slowly better at resisting him, and a little bit better at letting God in.  Sometimes I just CRAVE His word, but I run short on time and it is always difficult to pick up, but I must keep fighting.