I'm Still Addicted to The Internet

I can’t stop being addicted to the internet. I always just get on because, who knows really. But the thing I Can do, instead of trying to NEVEER get on, is just to go ahead and get on, but to go to a better site.  Usually I get on and look at Thinsperation pictures and feel sorry for myself, or I’m on Facebook watching everyone’s lives, and I really don’t care.  It’s all just such time wasting. 

Instead of those things, I can go on Crosswalk.com and read a devotional, or on Fervr.net and surf around.  It’s still fun to me – it’s still internet -  but it’s more substantial.

There read THIS, I'm going to. 

found a hurt

Counselling today was really great.  I feel like a burdan is lifted.  As  you may know, the last couple weeks have been just down hill for me. I relapsed on everything!  I stopped eating, I started cutting with REALLY sharp kitchen knives, banging my head, hitting, biting, scratching, depriving myself of sleep - and liek I said, I even started messing around with pills.  I thought a lot about death and about suicide. I played sinareos in my head of my attemted suicides with ropes, pills and knives...  I really wanted to die.
Last night everything changed.  I was still suffering from the anxiety and frustration that had been haunting me for those two weeks, but sudenly, for the first time that I can remember, I was a little afraid to die.  Then today, in Bible class, we watched part of Soul Surfer, a movie about a really brave girl.  I've seen it before, but every time I see it I am inspired to live and do more and have a passion.  I just felt liek God wanted me to live, but I just couldn't take life and I didn't knwo what to do.
At counselling I explained everything to my counselor. I hadn't seen her in a couple weeks becuase I just wasn't ready to talk before. I was kind of in deniel. We started talkign about how I put so much pressure on myself or feel so much pressure.  We prayed and asked God to show us some passed hurts or traumas that I still need to let go, becuase hurts and sins block my relationship with God, and I have just been franticly and desperatly trying to handle things.
It was reveiled to me that a place that stems a lot of hurts is when I was homeschooled.  My mom just kind of left me to do everythign myself, and wasn't really a proper mother to me.  I had to learn to handle really everything myself.  She was never really there for me to hold my hand through things.  Then when we moved and she started workign full time, it got worse.  I was responsible for everythign in my life basicaly.  There was so much pressure and I was so alone.  Finally I just couldn't take it anymore. I felt liek I wasn't good enough becuase as such a young girl I just couldn't handle it all alone - I wanst suposed to be able to, but my parents left it to me.  I broke and just hated myself and started rebelling.  Ever since then I have been in denial, tryign to be good enough, trying to forget and be enough on my own.  I think I might have some trust issues.  I've just been made to be so independant.
It was good to realize all those things, and more, and just feel teh pain and then let it go and forgive my mom and let myself feel the feelings.
I feel a little better, but things are still hard.   I don't want to die anymore though. At least not as much.

Pills

So, I've been home sick and I got some medicine. I don't know what it's suposed to do exactly, but I was only suposed to take half a pill.
I took half yesterday. i think it's suposed to help with dizziness.  I actually am not that dizzy anymore.  I just can't take life, so I'm staying at home.
I just took 3 and 1/2 pills and now I feel kind of weird.  I think I'm just paranoid, btu I kind of hope it makes me sicker. >:) I always wanted to experiment with self medicating, btu you know, that's a bad idea. 3 and a half was all I could manage.

Change and Hope

Love Quotes I Found

I found these. They're kind of shensy looking, btu I liek what they say.

A Month Later

It's been a month without my knife.  It's been ok.  Everyday I want to cut myself though.  There were a couple days maybe where I didn't want to hurt myself once, but mostly I want to everyday at least once.  It's really hard not to. I just want to drown everything out because I can't handle it, but I guess I'm surviving so... it's okayy... but it hurts and it's hard. I feel so alone still and always.