Sarah. . .

I went to see Sarah tonight!  She is my best friend. We, once upon a time, had a trio: Amber and I (the art buddies) and Sarah, the go-to-girl for everything.  Life was so good back then. If there was a problem we could all talk, as friends who genuinely cared for each other with all our hearts.  We had fun times, silly times, hard times - but they were all good, because we were all good for each other.  It ended so abruptly. All of a sudden Amber had to move back to the States, and Sarah went off, reluctantly, to boarding school.  I was left alone here, as they left to be alone in their respective countries. I went into denial which later dominoed into me beginning with self injury. My friends were much stronger; They survived it all and made new friends. I remained alone. 

I have friends now. Sort of. They love me. I love them. . . But they just don’t understand me, and to tell you the truth I really do not understand them.  But we are all we can get. I’m alive. . . Praise God for that. If it weren't for Him I would have followed through with my near attempts to suicide. And, I WILL survive.

It was amazing to see Sarah again.  We have both matured. I absolutely love that girl. We talked about crushes and dorm gossip; what’s gone on at school, music. It was lovely. My arm was in pain the whole time. I slit my wrist and upper arm before leaving for her house. I couldn't bring it up though. Last time she was back from school a friend and I informed her of her little brother’s cutting and she cried her eyes out, only to catch a glimpse of MY arm while in the car the next day.  She flipped. So tonight I didn't feel right bringing it up. When she goes back to school I’ll be getting ready to move so this is the last time I’ll ever see her.  I didn't want to ruin one of our final moments.  I wish I had said something, though, because I really need someone to cry to.   I can cry to any random person here, but it’s not the same as going to someone who cares, and whom I also care about.

It was a nice feeling to talk to her. I felt, again, the sense of meaning that once filled my life during the days of our lovely trio.  I hadn't felt it for so long.  Life has merely slugged on in agony this past year. It’s been torturous.  I’m alone – a monster, sitting in my sickening lair (my room) hating my body that has become covered in traitorous scales.  It’s not fun, to say the least.

I hope I can see her again before she leaves.

I’m so thankful to have had Amber and her for the short while that I did. We all miss each other painfully.