Hello, blog. You're still here I see.
The days when I wrote on this blog SUCKED! That was just the weirdest and most empty time.
Since then, I have moved continents, atmospheres, climates and LIVES. My life here has been nothing like I am used to, and nothing like I was expecting.
When I first got here, I.... was depressed. did I stop cutting? I can't remember. I don't thinks so. not completely. Anyways, I was depressed, suicidal and really food conscious; it ate me apart! I was really scared to eat anything. Food disgusted me. That whole ordeal made my life kind of miserable.
Once life kind of became set and school started, we were able to actually live in our house and begin to settle in. I hated my room and I felt like a lie! I felt like I was pretending and acting and not being real or even really living. The truth is, I was acting. I couldn't tell my new "friends" that I was depressed and cutting myself and not eating! "oh come on, you could have!" you might say. Well, no. I could tell that these particular individuals would be mind blown and shocked if I told them. They would have never of looked at me the same way. they may have just ditched me. (which wouldn't really have been that bad to be honest. I just didn't want things to be awkward or for word to get around school. I wanted to start over.)
I wanted to start over....
I have learned now, that in a certain sense, there is no starting over. Anything I have done, and this is true for everyone, all the mistakes and accomplishments and all my experiences, will always stay with me. they will never be erased or undone; What is done is done. In that case, I can never "escape" my past or myself, but instead it will always be a part of me. The other thing I have learned, however, too, is that This doesn't have to be a bad and torturous thing. Through my Lord and Savior, Christ Jesus, I can be free. It is for freedom that he has made us free by forgiving our sins, (we who are His children). I can always ask Him for forgiveness and He is faithful and Just to forgive me of my sins. The Bible says that He has removed my transgressions (or sins) from me as far as the East is from the West, (which is pretty dang far). The picture is not that those things I have done are erased or forgotten, but are forgiven and taken elsewhere to where they will never be unearthed again. I can't escape what I have done and how it has effected me, but I can escape the guilt, shame and weight of it. Jesus took my guilt on the cross, putting my sins upon Himself to pay for them. He took my shame. And God carries the weight of who I am - the worries of my life - because that is not my business. If I repent, surrender and submit to Him and ask Him to take these things, He will.
And suddenly life becomes much easier.
This new realization of hope has brought ease from pain, worry, guilt, shame, hurt, agony, depression, and low self worth. It has brought me Joy in Jesus Christ a little, little bit more each day. It is a process. It's not just a magic pill that fixes everything right away; it is more real than that, and it lasts for a lifetime and for eternity!
