Maybe I'm Just Stubborn. -_-

ugh...
I hate it when people I know worry about me. All of this seems pretty normal to me I guess. I don't know what else to do. I am afraid to live another life. I am afraid to be healthy. I guess I don't know who I'd be if I couldn't cut. I'd be no one. I'd be without a label, without an identity. I feel like I'd be practically worthless if I didn't get up real fast and learn to do something. There are so many other reasons that it's hard to stop cutting though, or to get out of this life. I'm used to hiding. . .   Used to striving for a tragic ending. I don't know why.

I feel bad for Jay (my brother) though. He keeps telling me I need to go back to counselling because he is concerned and doesn't know how to help on his own.  He told me, "I don't know why you cut yourself... I don't want you to."  For some reason that made me feel so sorry for him. I have a problem with making  myself feel responsible for EVERYTHING, and putting the weight of the world on my shoulders. I felt responsible for Jay feeling sad, and I feel like it's my responsibility to restore order, but I really never can.

I wish I had never told ANYONE about my problems, so that if I wanted to, I could be the only one to know.  But no, no matter how many times I move, or change, it will always be known, by everyone. I'll always have it on my record that I've failed ta life.  This makes me feel a lot of things... anger, regret, worry, remorse, shame, sadness, pity...  I know I have a pride problem- pride in hating myself - but that doesn't really sop anything.