School started today after bring on Easter Break for two weeks. I spent the whole day alone. I brought an apple for lunch, sat alone behind a wall, and didn't eat it. I've felt pretty self conscious today because of something my brother Jay said last night. We got to talking, and he said how he has to defend me a lot when he talks to people because they say things that attack me, and "I don't have any other friends to stand up for me," he said. I guess it's true. I have one girl friend who I can kind of talk to because she used to be a cutter too, but we don't talk much. Other than that, I have a friend who lives across the world from me, and Jay. All day I've been wondering who it is that says bad things about me, and who it is that doesn't like me for some reason. . .
It really isn't a bad life being alone. It doesn't accomplish anything in my case maybe, but, I mean, it's really the only life I know anymore. I know a life of "anorexia," "self harm," "bulimia," and whatever, but I have NEVER considered myself to actually be "a cutter," or any of those other things. I feel like I don't cut deep enough to be "a cutter," and I eat a little too much to be "anorexic."
No matter how much we kind of push it away.. knowing that someone says something about us kills. I like you and I know I'm a little too far... but I'm here for you. You are amazing and in absolute you are so amazing and all the random things you do are the things I love the most about you. People that look down on you, it's hard, but I think it's more sad for them. Don't forget that so many other people could be going through the same thing as you, but hide it and take out their anger on you. It's hard... I know.
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