Here’s how I see it:
I KNOW I am weak, and I figure that everyone else views me as weak. I feel like, yes, people love me because I
have some connection to them (Through family or friendship or whatever else),
but that beyond that mandatory love they just see me as kind of worthless and
ineffective. I always think that cutting
myself more severely or starving as much as I can handle will earn me some
respect. Even wearing black, in my mind, seems like it would at least give me a
name, a character, an Identity – Which is something I don’t seem to even have
now. Sadly, though, if I even walk out
of my room in black, or with blood on my arms, I get really paranoid and think
that everyone hates me. I’m so
self-conscious. I wish I could hide
behind the veil of black hair, black t-shirts and jeans - maybe it would even
scare off the people I don’t want; But I’m to self-conscious to do even
that. I would fear the disappointment and
possible shame. I would fear losing the only
people I have left - my semi-good friends, my teachers, and parents. I get so angry at them sometimes because they
just don’t seem to understand any part of me!
I have no support. I don’t even
have friends anymore that I admire for anything or that I really WANT to spend
time with. I’m alone and confused. Not
ding. Not wanting to do. Hating myself.
Not really wanting to go on, but scared to end it here since I haven’t done
anything good in life yet, despite all my potential.
Status: Waiting
around for purpose to sow up.
I just want you to know that I know it's just me and just me isn't even really that great, but... I love you, I love you so much :'(, and I care about you so so much. You are so beautiful to me and you're so special. You have so much potential in your life, and I love you so much. I love your crazy, awesome, beautiful hair, your lovely eyes, your talents, your desires, your passions. You have been such an inspiration to me, and you helped me back on my feet when I was down. You are my best friend. When I tried to tell you how I felt last time, I couldn't, it was too hard to tell you everything I love about you. I will do whatever it takes to help you. You're not worthless, and you're far from a monster. I know that just me isn't so great... but it's all I have besides God.
ReplyDeleteJust you is pretty great, honestly. :) I feel better now, and I know it's true. I know you love me. And thank you SO MUCH! You care so much about me that I don't ever know how to thank you. You are too good for me. I feel like I could never repay you, but do my best to be your friend, and the rest I hope can be filled in by, idk. something.. :P
DeleteThank you so much for your encouraging words. Yo are getting me through right now, like I did for you I suppose. You point me back to truth when all I want to do is ignore it. So, if I'm kind of stubborn, just keep doing what you're doing, and point me to what's right. It does help.
Thank you Questioner. I'm so proud of you and of who God has made you even in the last year.